The mascot for Neuroendocrine Cancer is the Zebra. I still follow several Facebook pages for folks that have Neuroendocrine cancer. Most times I read the posts of people who are fighting this disease and I thank God for not making Jennifer suffer through all of the things many of these people are going thru (removal of parts of organs, or total organs, terrible side effects of the various chemo treatments, additional conditions that the cancer causes, etc.). Unfortunately many like Jennifer have lost and/or are losing their battle.
As much as it hurts and believe me it hurts and I would cherish just another minute with her, I also know she would in no way want to live through all of that essentially for no real hope of recovery. So I take some comfort in the fact that she did not have to endure that. She was too good of a person to suffer like that and I know it would have been extremely selfish of me to ask her to.
Please don't misunderstand me I admire and I am amazed by the tenacity and hope of those people that are fighting terminal conditions (not just cancer) day in and day out. I just know that Jennifer would not want to try and live that way. I am still very much in shock how quickly she went. However, I am comforted by our last discussions and expressing our love for each other, though I did not think those would be the last discussions.
I always thought Zebras were interesting because no two have the same stripe pattern. They might be close but they are all different. Zebras can also be mean ass SOB's. There are many accounts of them killing lions. So while they make look like pushovers, they are not.
Jennifer was no push over, she was a tough Zebra and she put up a good fight, but she was also a very pragmatic person. She prepared for the end by writing her own obituary, leaving me lists of things she wanted done with some of the things important to her and I think once she was comfortable that I was able to take care of the financial stuff that she had always handled that she just decided to go. I have said and always will say that there are many things worse than death. Many many days I have to remind myself of this.
None of us get to get out of this life alive. The old saying that the only two guarantees in this life are death and taxes. Since I paid my taxes today, maybe that is what has gotten me into this weird funk.
Believe me I wish that I was just having a bad April Fools day, but I am not, it's the cards I have been dealt, so I will continue to play them.
Comentários