Survivors Guilt

I have been struggling a bit with what is for the lack of a better term survivors guilt pretty much since Jennifer passed. I am apprenhensive in writing about it, because I don't want people to,get concerned about me. I am doing Ok but I am hoping writing about it will help me move forward.

I have read some on this and my case is probably very mild compared to what some people get.

It really hits me at different times. It only comes when I am by myself. I have had it hit me when driving in the car or the golf cart and it really hits me after events or activities that I know she would have really enjoyed being at or doing.

Primarily what I get is flashbacks to the day of her passing and in particular the vacant look in her eyes when I was doing CPR on her at the end. I know that will be with me until I take my last breath. I know that I did all I could to try and revive her. I was pumping on her chest very hard and was not getting any signs that it was working. I knew she was gone, but I was desperately trying anyway.

I am still very much thankful for her not being revived and maybe that is what causes me the flashbacks and guilt. However, I know what she had for the lack of a better description was a death sentence. Especially when I read about what other people who have the condition she had and the various forms of pain and suffering they are going thru and still passing away anyway and the lack of scientific understanding of how this particular cancer works and misdiagnosis of it for many of these people.

So I take a lot of comfort in the fact that she did not have to suffer through that for what would have been a poor quality end of life. She did not deserve that kind of ending. So while it pains me immensely I will gladly take that versus her having to suffer through all kinds of medical procedures.

It sucks and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. However, I also know from some of our last discussions that she wants me to live and try to enjoy the time that I have left. I certainly will not take that time for granted.

I am so blessed to have such a strong support group of family and friends and all you that have been following me on this journey. So Thank you I greatly appreciate it.

As I have said several times, writing about all of this has been a immense help for me, which I still find odd, but it does, so I will continue it. Also some of the other activities such as coloring and reading have helped as well. Keeping busy with various activities and events even if I have issues after them are also a great help.

Anyway, I have probably expressed enough for today. Please know that I am doing Ok and doing my best to navigate this new journey and road I am on, but it has not all been fun that is for damn sure.