One Year

Today marks one year since we laid Jennifer to rest in Butte.

As I have mentioned it still is very hard for me process her not being her with me. I still come home at times and expect her to be here and miss her so much. When I am alone I often hear her voice and her laugh in my head. Most time (unless it is a God Damn It Joe) I am thankful for that and am sometimes even thankful for the ass chewings I know I would be taking if she was here if I do something that she did not care for. Just to hear her help’s some.

I know that I will never get over not having her here with me, but I will get through it as best as I can. I am sure people will tell me the first year will be the toughest and that time heals all wounds and all the cliches that we are all familiar with. These probably have some truth to them, but it still is tough when you are actually living it. I guess this is my cross to bear and I am trying to bear it with as must dignity and strength that I can muster, but it really does take it out of you at times.

I know she is always with me and looking out for me and have mentioned that I often feel her presence stronger at certain times. I do know we will be reunited at some point and while in a way I would like that to be sooner than later, I am certainly not in a rush to get there. Sometimes that causes me concern and maybe is part of of my survivor guilt. There are still a lot of things I want to see and do before I make my own departure.

I know a lot of people (including Jennifer) would like to see me try and find someone to share the time I have left with. I will be honest I really don’t care to. I am not going to say that I am never going to, because as some wise people have said never challenge never, but my personal feeling at this point is lightning doesn’t strike twice.

I know there are a lot of couples that have found each other after the death of a spouse and they are very happy together, but I have also seen the opposite occur as well where couples have gotten together and it has not worked out. To me it is for me and me alone to pursue if and when I get to the point that I want to pursue it. I can assure you I am no where near that point as of today. I am more than happy and comfortable to forge ahead alone.

I know I am a acquired taste and that I was blessed to have found someone who had the palate to appreciate and love me unconditionally for 34+ years. So if I never find another love that is perfectly fine with me.

Well enough therapy for today. Best be getting a move on and enjoy the day and week ahead of me.