Just Flat Out Missing Her

I have been just flat out missing Jennifer. In the last few days, there have been some things I really would have liked to discuss with her and get her counsel on. I still struggle with the reality of the fact that she is gone.

I absolutely cherish the memories that I have from our time together, but I was sure hoping to make many more. I still have a bit of survivors guilt for the lack of a better descriptor.

Yesterday afternoon, Dorothy, Andy and I went to Beaver Dam, Arizona and played golf at the little executive course they have there. It was a nice day to go do this activity. It was cool and not windy.

Now the Beaver Dam course is not some hotty totty, well designed course. Many people would describe this course as a goat pasture and while they would not be far off, they would be wrong it is actually a cow pasture thank you very much.

Now this evaluation of what animal is grazing this course is not based on actual siting of the animals it is based soley on the various manure piles that were found laying around the course. Anyway I digress.

It was a fun nine holes and it brought back memories of Jennifer and I playing this course and golf in general. We only got to play this course one time, but we did intend to go back and play it more. Now there were reasons for that. One is that it is only nine holes, all the holes ar Par 3’s and it is walkable. All criteria that Jennifer wanted in her golf outings.

Anyway we finished playing and got in our cars to drive home. Dorothy and Andy headed to Mesquite and I went to Desert Springs AZ (which is a truck stop about a mile or two up the road from Beaver Dam) to fill up my car. Gas is cheaper in AZ and cheaper in Desert Springs. After I got gas I was driving home and all I could think about was Jennifer and my last round of golf together.

I have written about this before, because I was happy that it was probably some of the best golf she played and she got to experience that joy. She was actually getting the ball in the air on most of her shots, which was making her happy. It used to frustrate her to no end that her ball would roll towards the hole vs fly through the air. She burned a lot of worms in the holes of golf she played and she often cussed up a storm bitching about not getting her ball in the air as she walked to it.

She always thought she should be better than she was. She was one of those people that thought she could go out and be just like Tiger Woods in a couple of swings. It used to be a little funny to watch her get frustrated about it. However that last round her cussing was a minimum and she was actually truly having fun, sadly her pain kept us from playing the full nine holes that last day we played. At that time we were still thinking it was her gall bladder and we thought we had all kinds of time to play again. I think if she knew it was her last round she would have played the last three holes. Well we all know how that story ended.

So as I was driving home I was feeling guilty about being the one that is still kicking and getting to do things that we both enjoyed. It just plain sucks.

Well enough therapy for today.